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A woman attempts dinner conversation with her blind date in this Valentine's Day morsel from award-winning humorist, novelist, and screenwriter Larry Doyle.

Date with an Angel 1

I've been to the restaurant before. When was that? Oh my God: embarrassing. I did a film here. It was called, I don't know, Something Somethings Something. Didn't win any awards. The shoot was totally hot, though. The air conditioning was like broken or something. That's why we were so sweaty. Usually they spray it on.

Yeah, I'll have the lobster bisque, and then the lobster stuffed with steak, and do you still have that champagne, the cute one? I'll have a bottle of that, thanks.

Oh, and could I also get a lobster to go? My kitty, Fluffer, loves lobster and if I come home and he smells it on me and I don't have one for him, look out! And better put another bottle of champagne in the bag, too.

Not that hungry, huh? I am starving. I mean, after the day I had today.

You don't mind me talking about work, do you? Today was completely out of control. We had this new sound guy, and at lunch the director's going over all the stuff we did in the morning, and the boom (that's the microphone) is in every shot! In this one shot, it's in my hair! So unprofessional! We had to shoot every scene over again! Which sucked, because I always do my best work in the morning. After lunch I'm basically worthless.

Plus it was with Dom. Dom Juan. The "Destroyer"? He wishes. Anyway, I don't like working with him.

Because he's inconsiderate. Those guys always are. I shouldn't be telling you this, it's supposed to be a secret. But Dom is a… F… B… I. Everybody knows it. He's part of some big undercover sting operation. You'd think after six years he'd have undercovered something. I mean, what's left to infiltrate? He infiltrated me!

eeHaw eeHaw eeHaw

Anyway, I ended up making an extra $1300 because they shot something they weren't supposed to.

Just something that wasn't in the contract. If it's not in the contract, and you do it and they shoot it, they have to pay you extra. Although there's some stuff that's not in the contract that I don't do, ever, not even by accident. I've got to protect the J.B. Daniels brand.

Oh, I just picked it. According to the Union, your porn star name is supposed to be the name of the pet you had as a kid and then the name of the street you grew up on. But mine, Prince Charles, was already taken and not very indicative of what I do, so I went with J.B. Daniels. It's sort of in honor of my dad.

This is the best champagne.

So, what do you do?

That is so cool. I always wanted to be a doctor. I was going to be an anesthesiologist, because I thought it would be nice to take away people's pain, you know what I mean? Or, I guess I could just be one of those doctors who prescribe pain pills. But that's like eight years of college, and I'd have to get my GDE first.

You don't prescribe pain pills, do you?

The weather? You're a weatherman? Then why'd you say you were a doctor? Oh. I was wondering where my meteor was.

eeHAW eeHAW eeeeeHAW eeeeehee

No, Ma'am, I will not quiet down. I am here, having some enjoyable conversation with my date, who paid like $8,000, and so if he says something funny, I'm going to laugh, okay? Honestly, I don't give a shit what anniversary you're having.

Oh, look, now she's going to the manager. DON'T FORGET TO TELL HIM HOW YOU'VE BEEN FARTING ALL NIGHT! I mean, talk about affecting the quality of everybody's meal.

I am never going back there again, and you shouldn't either. They completely disrespected you. Listen, you can drop me here. I can't have guys knowing exactly where I live. You understand.

I had a great time, too, the with-you part. And thank you again; that was so generous of you to bid so much for me. But it's for a good cause. Sick kids, right? I'm doing a PSA for them that's going on the front of all my DVDs.

So I guess this is "Good Night." But don't think I'm getting out this car without a hug!

Ooooooooooooooooooooooh. I love hugs.

They feel real, don't they?

1J.B. Daniels, contract player for Hot Streaming Angel, of Van Nuys.

About the Author

Larry Doyle is the author of I Love You, Beth Cooper and Go, Mutants! This piece will appear in the collection Deliriously Happy, available in Fall 2011.